Mascara On My Mind

I quit wearing make up, completely, about a year ago. Honestly, it has freed up my life for so much more to enter.

Then, I was trying to analyze and understand why I’d chosen to delete it in my life. I thought after three times in therapy, I could ask  myself some of those same questions the therapist asked me and apply them to my reasons for my clean face.

First off, let me preface this by saying I was in a thirty-one year marriage that was not a good marriage. I was in it for the long haul. But, my ex has other plans for his life. So, I found my self in a lump on the grass, in the country, hugging two dogs, crying my eyes out for a couple of years. 

Learning to put on a happy face, faking it until I made it, and trying to remember it was his choice was my saving grace. Then, I realized, after hearing it my whole life, “You create your own happiness.” That turned into my daily inspiration.

Mascara didn’t make me feel better about myself. It was a mask I was using because our society says you must have all kinds of these items in your bathroom drawer and learn to use them properly to become a lady.

Mascara was a chore that I grudgingly applied, daily, that loomed behind my glasses. It was bothersome it I got hot and sweaty because it would run into my eyes. And, then I would look like a raccoon. And, I was spending $10.00 every month for something that I didn’t even enjoy. That is two Starbucks Venti Mochas for me. 

I have heard all my life when I would tell people that I’m ugly (learned from a tape in my head from my childhood), “Your personality outshines any blemish you may think you have, Dear.” That wasn’t ever comforting. To me that meant, “Yes, you are pretty ugly, but you make me laugh, so I’ll be friends with you.” “Just stay behind me so I can shine.”

In fact, if my personality is the reason most people like to be around me, why would I try to cover that with mascara. It isn’t the things that I’ve placed on my face to make me look more attractive. It is my personality. That will be my why for deleting mascara in my life; my awesome personality.

Beside all the feelings, I discovered I wasn’t putting on mascara for me. I was applying it because I thought other people would run away from me, screaming, because I wasn’t trying to emulate the fashion magazines. And, finally, I realized something else I’ve heard my whole life, it doesn’t matter what others think about me. DUH!?

My goal, today, is to make sure I wash my face, apply lotion, and put on a happy smile. That is my makeup, every day. 

And, in the end, I want to be around people that want to be around me. I will not be chasing anyone to try to make them like me, ever again. I put my “chasing shoes” and my mascara in the trash.

And, I will endeavor to create my own happiness. That is the law of my land.

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