Each year, I look forward to see the fireworks on the Fourth of July. It is my favorite day of the whole year. I consider the Fourth of July my own private time to reflect on the loss of my Father.
I know, kinda sad. My Daddy died when I was 5-1/2 years old. I was just a little girl. I have always felt abandoned by him. I know it was not his fault. He was given a bad heart. Not a bad heart in the sense of feelings and emotions. A bad heart that didn’t function properly. His heart is what took him away at the young age of 38. I know he didn’t intend to cut his life short. I know, he would not have left me and my little brother at such a young age.
Abandonment has been a life-long issue for me. And, now that I’m old and realize where the feeling of abandonment means, I get it.
It doesn’t mean I’m not a good person and deserved to be left alone. And, it doesn’t mean they were intentionally trying to get away from me. It doesn’t have anything to do with me, except the left over feeling of loss in my life.
I am a good person; my Daddy didn’t choose to abandon me.
I have a lot of memories about my Daddy that I’m not sure if they are truly memories of things that really happened. Or, I created stories in my head from the little details I’ve received from family over the years.
Anyway, he lives in my heart and on my soul. I will always love my Daddy.
So, when I see the fireworks, know that I won’t be thinking about who is around me. I will be looking at the fireworks, through my tears of joy (or tears of enjoy), and be thinking of my Daddy.
When I was a little girl, Daddy took Russell, Vicki, Mom, David and I to the Cotton Bowl to see the fireworks. I remember sitting with him and hearing him marvel about the fireworks. And, I remember the pink Piggly Wiggly sign lit up with sparklers. So, because of this memory, I’ve place all my feelings and memories about my Daddy onto the fireworks. It is one of my fondest memories.
So, have a wonderful Fourth of July, every one. ❤